Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven
by Obsequium Minaris
Summary: Faced with budget cuts and plenty of spare time after not being chosen to appear in Cross Tag Battle, Kokonoe finds herself with only one option: Become a late-night talk show host and interview the rest of the cast for ad revenue. Too bad everyone is completely insane. [Crack]
1. One Episode In and It Already Sucks

A/N: Figured now is as good a time as any to post my garbage. Don't take this seriously – I sure didn't.

* * *

 **Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven**

 **Chapter 1**

Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by_ Litchi's Cosplay Clinic. Litchi's Cosplay Clinic _: for when the nurses at the hospital just aren't sexy enough._

* * *

"Look, all I'm saying is that three is clearly superior to two!" Kokonoe proclaimed.

Hazama simply smirked. "It's okay to have opinions, Kokonoe. Even if yours is wrong."

Kokonoe grit her teeth. "Listen, if you prefer your survival horror to not actually be scary, then-"

"Kokonoe!" Tager said over the intercom.

"What?!"

"We're live!"

She immediately paused for a second before turning to the camera and giving a sheepish grin. "Greetings, citizens! Welcome to tonight's show! We've got a doozy for you tonight, so be sure to stay tuned for the whole show!"

"Don't even think of changing to another, far superior channel!" Hazama said from his position behind the keyboard.

Kokonoe glared at him. "Don't you have a cue you just missed?"

Hazama grinned. "If you want music, all you have to do is ask."

"Fine. Play some fitting music."

"I refuse."

"But you just said that all I had to do was ask!"

"I didn't say I'd do it, just that you should ask. Maybe try saying please next time."

"She has a real problem with that word," Tager added.

Kokonoe sighed. "Off to a great start…" she muttered before turning back to the camera. "Anyway, like I was saying, we've got a great show for you tonight! Isn't that right, Lambda?"

Lambda didn't say anything. She was too busy cowering in fear of the lights and cameras due to stage fright to say or do anything other than nod.

"See? She agrees! And not just because she's contractually obligated to or anything! Why don't we tell people what's on the agenda tonight, Azrael?"

Azrael looked surprised to be mentioned by name. "Oh, I have a speaking role? I thought I was just the security guy."

"Everyone at Sector Seven has a speaking role, even Arakune."

Arakune didn't say anything because he was too busy being locked up in a pod and studied deep in the bowels of the facility, although the cameras made sure to cut to him for comment anyway.

Kokonoe clapped her hands together. "Anyway, let the people know what we're doing tonight."

Azrael rubbed the back of his head. "Well, I think you said something along the lines of interviewing somebody-"

"Precisely!" Kokonoe turned back to the camera. "For tonight's show, we've got a special guest lined up who's sure to make everybody happy! Please give it up for Orie!"

All of her fellow cast members exchanged a quick glance with one another.

"Never heard of her," Hazama said.

Despite the lack of enthusiasm from the rest of the cast, Orie walked out on stage and took a seat across from Kokonoe, who grinned at her.

"Welcome, Orie. How was the trip from DLC hell? Any traffic?" Kokonoe asked.

"Did you see Lambda there?" Hazama asked.

Orie looked confused. "Who?"

"Exactly!"

Lambda looked like she was about to cry.

Kokonoe bristled. "I believe I'm the one asking questions here, Hazama," she said.

"Oh, my bad," the NOL captain said. "Please, continue."

"That's better." She turned back to face her guest. "So, what's it like being locked behind a paywall?"

Orie looked a little depressed. "I don't like having to wait a bit before being added to the game, but it's nice to feel included."

"You were a main character in _Under Night In-Birth,_ right?" Hazama questioned. "So you had to have known that you were going to get in eventually."

"Well, yes, but I was just hoping that I would be important enough to have a spot in the base game."

"Look at the bright side, at least you're in the game at all," Hazama said. He paused a bit before continuing, making sure to sneer at Kokonoe as he did. "…Unlike some people."

Kokonoe's eye twitched. She took a deep breath before turning back to her guest. "…Anyway, Orie, how is your newfound popularity treating you? Not many people knew about your home series before your debut in _Cross Tag Battle_."

Orie bristled. "I don't know if I'd go that far…" she said.

Kokonoe ignored her. "How does it feel to actually get recognized on the street these days? It must be quite something."

The purple-haired girl relaxed a bit. "Well, it is rather nice to have random strangers come up and ask for my autograph. There aren't that many, but there are definitely more than I used to get…"

"I see. How do you think you stack up against the rest of the roster?"

Orie hesitated. "W-well, there are some very strong fighters, that much I can't deny, but I think the training given to me by the Licht Kreis will be more than enough to take them all on."

Hazama grinned. "Big talk, little girl," he said before leaning over his keyboard. "Would you care to put that to the test?" he asked with a grin.

Orie placed her hand on the hilt of her rapier. "Any time," she challenged.

"Now, now, this a show of peace," Kokonoe said. "Besides, I promised the first fight to Azrael, anyway."

"You did?" Tager asked.

"How else did you think I got him to be head of security?"

"Fair enough…"

"U-um..!" came a small voice from behind Kokonoe's chair. She turned around to see Lambda there, doing her best to hide herself from the cameras. "I have a question…"

"Zoom in on her, camera guy, the audience ought to get a good look at the person in the spotlight," Hazama said, causing Lambda to let out a little 'eep!' and duck behind the chair completely.

"Technically this is supposed to be my interview, but I'll allow it," Kokonoe said. "Ask away, Lambda."

Lambda tentatively stuck her head out once again. "O-okay… Um… How did you get the developers to decide to include you in _Cross Tag Battle_?"

Orie flashed her a small smile. "Unfortunately, I really don't know. Everyone from _Under Night_ sent in about a dozen different audition tapes each, but none of us heard anything back for a while, and once the developers finally got back to us they initially only told the first group who had been accepted. They didn't start informing the runners-up that they'd be included as DLC for a little while."

"O-oh…" Lambda said, clearly crestfallen.

"Don't worry, though. If there's future installments, I'm sure they'll include you."

The Murakumo unit perked up. "…You really think so?"

"I think you have a better chance than you realize."

Hazama quickly bashed out a chord on the keyboard, making everyone turn to him. "We interrupt your regularly scheduled program with a reality check for Lambda-11! Unfortunately, there's an overabundance of artificial humans in the game already, so your odds of getting in are slim to none! Run along now, and let the characters people actually care about have their day in the limelight!"

Lambda started bawling and ran off the stage. Everyone watched her go for a moment before returning to what they were doing.

"So, about _Cross Tag Battle…_ " Kokonoe said.

"Oh, yes, I believe we were discussing my competition?" Orie asked. After receiving a nod of confirmation, she continued. "Well, I think some of them look interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing how good all of the other sword users are, particularly Weiss since she uses a rapier like me. I'm also excited to face off against my fellow _Under Night_ cast members once again. Other than that… um… I guess Nu-13? She seems like she'd be an interesting opponent."

"What about possible partners?"

"I'm looking forward to partnering with Es, Weiss, Ragna…" she trailed off as a small blush crept across her face. "…Hyde…"

"Ha!" Hazama shouted. "I knew it! It's so easy to see! Well, I'm sorry to say kid, but I know for a fact that he likes Linne and Vatista more!"

Orie looked like someone had slapped her. Kokonoe sighed.

"Azrael?" she asked.

"Yes?" came the reply from the head of security.

"Put the boots to him, medium style."

"With pleasure." The Mad Dog cracked his knuckles as he approached the NOL captain.

"Oh, I'm so scared," Hazama taunted. "What are you going to do to me?"

"Oh, I'm not going to do anything to you," Azrael said with a grin as he reached into one of his pockets.

Hazama looked very confused. "Then what are you planning?"

"This."

Azrael withdrew his hands from his pockets to reveal two boiled eggs in each one. Hazama's eyes widened.

"You'd better not."

"Watch me."

Azrael looked to Kokonoe for the signal. She nodded, and before Hazama had a chance to stop him, Azrael threw both eggs onto the ground and ground them beneath his feet. Hazama simply watched in somber silence as the Mad Dog lifted his heels, showing the ruined eggs beneath them.

"Anyway, now we can get back to what's really important," Kokonoe said. "What do you think of the rest of the cast? Do you get along well with them?"

Orie hestitated. "…More or less. I've got a bit of a friendly rivalry going with Weiss, but for the most part I haven't had much of a chance to really interact with anyone other than the characters from my game yet. I'm hoping to get to know them all much better once I'm properly in the game."

Kokonoe nodded. "How do you fight in those heels?" She pointed to the footwear in question to emphasize her point.

The Licht Kreis Executor simply grinned. "Lots and lots of practice."

"Yeah, but they're six inch stilettos, and you do _kicks_ in them! That means you're placing your weight on just one of them a lot of the time, and also doing complicated maneuvers at the same time! How the hell does that work?"

Orie shrugged. "I've never really struggled with them, they've just always felt natural to me. I wonder if anyone else has that problem? Maybe I should ask Nine…"

Kokonoe nodded briefly before getting a weird look on her face. "Hang on, what did you just say?"

Orie looked confused. "What, about my heels? I've never really struggled-"

"No, after that. Something about another character."

"Oh, Nine? I was going to ask if she had trouble learning to fight in heels."

"I see." Kokonoe took a long sip from her nearby cup of coffee. Off in the distance Orie could frantically see Tager trying to figure out how to cut to commercial. She briefly wondered why for exactly three seconds before Kokonoe exploded.

"Are you freaking kidding me?!" The catgirl shouted as she spat her coffee out. "They put Mom in before me?! It's not enough that Dad got in first, but now Mom is in too? _And they were both considered before I was?!_ I mean, I know I'm not the most popular character, what with my status in _Chronophantasma_ and all, but come on! I mean really, _Mom?!_ Who even likes her that much? She's just another damn zoner!" she turned to Orie, who was recoiling in fear. "I mean, what does she have that I don't, huh? HUH?! Answer me, girl!"

"I don't know!" Orie said, terrified.

"I mean, it's bad enough that I got nerfed in _Central Fiction_ , but I can deal with it since I was at least still playable, but then here comes _Cross Tag Battle_ saying that I'm not good enough! Who needs _Cross Tag Battle?_ Not me! I've got my talk show and my work at Sector Seven to keep me busy! I'll just hang out here with… Um…"

She thought hard about who she could hang out with in her free time.

"…Lambda?" Orie ventured.

"Yeah, Lambda! I'll hang out with Lambda! We'll do… whatever it is that Lambda does in her free time when she's not working or crying! We'll have a great time! Right, Tager?"

"Whatever, you say, Kokonoe!" Tager said, before quietly muttering, "damn it, which button cuts to commercial..?"

"Anyway, my point is that I don't need to be in ArcSys' new DLC-fest of a game! I mean, seven dollars for Jubei in _Central Fiction_ was bad enough, but they were almost going to make Yang and Blake paid DLC! Can you believe that? And they've still got half the roster locked behind a paywall! Now, I don't know about you, but I don't want to support developers like that! I'll just find another game series to guest star in!" She turned back to the Executor. "Since you're in _Cross Tag Battle,_ that means that I have a shot at getting into _Under Night_ , right?"

"I don't think that-" Orie began.

"Good! I'll send in my audition tape during the commercial break! And if that fails then there's always another series, like _Arcana Heart!_ I'd be damn good in _Arcana Heart,_ don't you think? They've already got Akane, so another cat girl would fit right in!"

Hazama, having recovered from his egg-induced PTSD, quickly chimed in."Yeah, you'll fit right in, what with your cup size being about as big as the rest of the cast as well!"

That did it. Kokonoe let out a primal scream as she reached behind her and came back with a minigun. She held down the trigger and sprayed the entire room with lead, laughing maniacally as she did so. The rest of the cast ducked for cover as the rounds flew all across the room.

 _Damn it, we're going to get taken off the air if I don't do something fast!_ Tager thought to himself. _If only I could find a way to cut to commercial..!_

He glanced around the room before finally spotting it: a big red button with the words "In case of emergency, cut to commercial" printed on it. He breathed a sigh of relief before briefly wondering how he had missed such an obvious convenience before smashing the button with all of his might.

* * *

Sector Seven from Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by_ The Mojave Express Delivery Service _: rain, shine, nuclear apocalypse, or gunshots to the head, we promise we'll deliver your package to you, or your money back._


	2. The Prequel To The Terrible Sequel

**Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven**

 **Chapter 2**

Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by_ The Lakeview Hotel: _we promise it's not haunted._

* * *

Kokonoe was in a very bad mood, that much was obvious to the rest of her cast. The only problem was that none of them wanted to inquire why. It had taken them several days to fix the damage to the studio after her last outburst, and on top of that they had received several complaints from the FTC about the violence that had occurred during their last recording. Apparently, the FTC thought that smashing boiled eggs was going too far, much to Hazama's delight and everyone else's misery.

Kokonoe marched over to her seat, coffee in hand, and took a long sip from the steaming-hot mug. She looked around at the other cast members, who were all keeping their distance from her and eyeing her with trepidation.  
She raised an eyebrow. "The hell are you people looking at?"

Tager cleared his throat. "Well, it's just that-"

"I take it that your _Under Night_ audition didn't go well?" Hazama interrupted.

Kokonoe snarled. "Apparently they think my design conflicts with everyone else's in the game. Personally, I think Orie told them to toss my audition tape before they could even see it."

 _Can you blame her?_ Everyone else thought to themselves… except Hazama.

"Can you blame her?" he asked aloud.

Kokonoe sighed. "I guess not. I can understand that she'd be intimidated by me and wouldn't want me in the game after that outburst. And don't even ask about _Arcana Heart;_ that one went about as well. Apparently they think I'm 'too old' and 'not cute enough'. Can you believe that?"

Everyone stayed silent. Tager cleared his throat. "I hate to tell you this, but…"

Kokonoe stared at him. "But?"

"We're on the air."

She nearly jumped out of her seat before turning to the camera and giving it a big smile. "Greetings, viewers! Nice of you to join us tonight!"

"Just ignore the soul-crushing despair and terror you just witnessed through your TV screens," Hazama interjected.

Kokonoe ignored him. "Anyway, we've got quite the show tonight! Right, Azrael?"

The Mad Dog looked confused. "Wait, I get a speaking role again? I thought I was just chief of security…"

"Idiot!" Hazama said. "Don't you remember? Everyone talks on this show, whether they want to or not! Isn't that right, Lambda?"

Lambda gave a small squeak and dove behind the nearest piece of cover as all the cameras in the room focused on her.

"Don't mind her, she's probably looking for another cockroach to add to her collection," Hazama said absentmindedly.

"Anyway," Kokonoe said, attempting to get the show back on track, "we've got another interview lined up tonight, but first a little something extra."

Azrael looked around, confused. "Hold on, are we actually doing this bit? I thought you said that we weren't doing this because the viewers are all-"

Kokonoe loudly cleared her throat, cutting him off. This fake throat-clearing steadily gave way to a real one as she coughed up a small hairball directly onto the stage. Everyone stared at it awkwardly for a few seconds before she kicked it under her desk. Once that was done, she turned back to her co-hosts. "Don't be silly, Azrael! The viewers are all valuable people who give us ad revenue we need to keep the lab running and who definitely don't call the FTC whenever we do something objectionable or offensive! So of course we're going to reach out to them!"

She turned to face the array of cameras in front of the stage with a grin. "That's right, folks! For tonight only we're putting you on the spot! Simply call the number on-screen, and you'll have exactly seven seconds to say whatever you want so long as it's advertiser-friendly!"

Azrael leaned over to whisper in Hazama's ear. "This seems like a bad idea."

Hazama simply smiled widely. "I know, isn't it great?" He retrieved a bag of popcorn from underneath the keyboard and began happily munching away as he waited for the show to start.

"…How long has that been sitting under there?"

"About as long as this show is horrible."

It took just a few seconds before the first caller came through. Kokonoe signaled for Tager to patch him through, and soon enough everyone was listening to them.

"God Bless The FTC, you're on the air," Kokonoe said, reading off the caller's screen name.

"Hello?" the caller asked, his voice giving away his gender.

"Yes, you're on the air," Kokonoe said.

The man paused. "Okay, good. I have an important announcement."

"Shoot."

The man took a deep breath. "Bring back Orie! Bring back Or-"

Kokonoe swore under her breath before slamming a fist on a big red button sitting on her desk. The call immediately ended, and she turned back towards the cameras decidedly less happy than she had been before.

"Clearly there are a few pranksters on the line tonight," she said through gritted teeth. "Luckily we're going to send Lambda in to help Tager screen the calls better."

Lambda looked surprised at having been referred to in a non-derogatory way. "M-me..? I have a job..?" she asked, amazed.

"Yeah! For once, you get to do something. Now go in there and make us all proud." Kokonoe narrowed her eyes. "And you'd better do a good job, or else the ant farm gets it."

Lambda's eyes widened. She knew Kokonoe was referring to the new ant farm she had recently acquired to celebrate actually being let out of the lab for the first time in several months. She had tried her best to keep it a secret knowing that something horrible was sure to befall it if anyone else learned of its existence, but now the cat was out of the bag. She simply nodded frantically before dashing over to help Tager.

"Note to self: introduce ants to blowtorch the next time Lambda looks happy," Hazama said absentmindedly before going back to watching the spectacle unfolding before him.

Kokonoe continued as if nothing had happened. "Anyway, we've got another caller. Nineties_Cartoon_Rip-Off, you're on."

"Yes, I'd just like to congratulate you on being so eloquent for your age," the man said.

Kokonoe let out a small growl. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, usually at around your age, people start to lose their memory-"

"Ah, screw you!" Kokonoe said, mashing the button and disconnecting the caller before he could say anymore. She took a deep breath before continuing. "Alright folks, we're only going to do a few more of these because clearly my assistants aren't doing their jobs." She took a look at the screen showing the caller's name and cringed when she saw it. "You've got to be kidding me… Okay, fine. Lambda_Is_The_Talent, you're on."

The caller didn't say anything. Instead, he simply started blasting music, which Kokonoe immediately recognized as _Must Die._

She was stunned. "Are you actually just playing _Must Die_ in the background? Seriously? I give you the opportunity to say anything you want and you just play edgy music?"

The music suddenly ended and the caller immediately responded with, "Stop Lambda abuse! Murakumo Units are people, too!"

Kokonoe simply grit her teeth and ended the call. "One more, folks, then we'll move on to the show proper. FanOfRagna, you're on."

This time, the caller was a female, as her voice immediately gave away. "Yes, I'd just like to know when you're going to have Ragna, the one person that everyone actually cares about, on this show."

Kokonoe paused. "Oh, for… Is this Izanami?"

"No, this is an anonymous caller."

"No, I recognize that voice. You're Izanami. What the hell are you doing calling this show and asking about Ragna?"

There was a moment of silence. "I just wanted to see him again… He's been so busy with _Cross Tag Battle_ that I haven't been able to see him for a while. Even gods of death get lonely every once in a while."

"…Are you implying what I think you're implying?"

"He's not spending time with that whore Rachel, is he? I swear to God, if he's partnering up with that bitch in _Cross Tag-_ "

Hazama applauded from the sidelines. "You go, girl!" he shouted.

The goddess of death continued. "What does he see in her, anyway? What does she have that I don't? Is it the whole sister thing? Does that weird him out? But it's okay! I only have her body and part of her mind, the rest is all Izanami! I don't understand what's weird about that!"

"You're creeping me out, lady," Kokonoe said.

"Do you think it's the doll joints? Or maybe it's the lack of feet… Perhaps he's not into girls that can't cook? But he likes that Noel girl, too… You don't think he's partnering with her as well, do you? And what if he is? Clearly, the only solution is to get onto the roster myself and make sure nobody else can go near him!"

"Good luck with that," Kokonoe said as she mashed the disconnect button harder than she ever had before. Once the call had been dropped, she slumped back in her chair. "Man, why are there so many freaks out there? And more importantly, why do they all watch my show?"

Tager's voice came over the intercom. "We're still live, you know."

"Yes, I'm aware. I want them to hear." Kokonoe took a deep breath before turning back to the cameras. "Well, that got really out of hand. Good thing it's over."  
Lambda came over the intercom. "Please don't hurt my ants!" she begged.

"We had a deal, Lambda. The ants are toast. Very soggy toast, because they're going down the nearest toilet as soon as this show is over."

There was a loud gasp as the Murakumo Unit dropped the microphone and sprinted out of the room to go protect her only true friends before any harm could come to them.

Kokonoe absentmindedly reached for a bottle of scotch she kept under her desk and drank deeply from it before putting it back. "Anyway, folks, I think it's time for the interview. We've got a really good one tonight, so let's hear a big round of applause for…" she quickly took a look at the notes she had scattered around her desk.

"…Arakune."

On cue, the creature in question slithered out on stage and landed on the chair across from Kokonoe's desk.

"Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of being dissected to appear on the show."

"T…ank y…o," he responded before suddenly breaking off into a severe coughing fit. The barrage of sudden illness lasted for almost a full minute, during which the rest of the cast exchanged worried glances with each other. Finally, it subsided, and he returned his gaze to the host.

"Everything okay?"

"Oh, everything is just fine, thank you for asking," Arakune responded, his voice suddenly taking on a posh British accent. "I must say it's nice to finally clear that frog out of my throat – it's been there since _Calamity Trigger_ and was really starting to get on my nerves."

Kokonoe took a quick glance at her notes before throwing them over her shoulder. She had been planning for him to speak entirely in fragmented sentences, and this new development was ensuring that things were not going to go well.

"Well, in any case, how's life down in Sector Seven?"

"Oh, it's simply fantastic! I let the scientists cut little pieces off of me to study, and in exchange I get to eat something other than people. Let me tell you, the whole cannibalism thing is not what it's cracked up to be, but when you're an unmarried man who can't even use a microwave, what else can you do?"

Kokonoe nodded in understanding. "I see. So, how do you feel about not being included in _Cross Tag Battle?_ "

"Let me begin by saying that I've grown weary of fighting. _Central Fiction_ truly took any desire for combat right out of me, I'll tell you that much. All I really desire these days is a nice home-cooked meal and a good book, so when I learned that I wasn't going to be chosen for the upcoming game, it wasn't much of a loss."

"But you still sent in an application."

"Indeed I did, but that was mainly for the fans. I was sure they'd be disappointed if they learned that I didn't even make an attempt at getting in, so I made sure to give it my best effort just for them."

"I wasn't aware you had fans."

Arakune chuckled. "Oh, please. The Irresistible Arakune bit did wonders for my popularity, to say nothing of my appearances in the other gag reels. Why, everyone seems to not remember that at one point I ate people! Funny how the world works, isn't it?" He paused. "In fact, I think one of my fans is here right now."

Kokonoe looked around, confused. "Really? I thought we didn't film in front of a live studio audience."

"Nobody said anything about the audience, love," Arakune stated, motioning down below the desk. Kokonoe leaned over and saw Lambda tightly hugging his midsection.

She scowled. "Lambda! What did I tell you about molesting the guests?"

Lambda looked hurt. "B-but, but he's a bug! A really big bug!"

Kokonoe reached under her desk for a spray bottle full of water and quickly gave Lambda several spritzes with it. "No! Bad Lambda, bad! Back in your cage!"

Lambda let out a small hiss, but refused to budge. Kokonoe sighed.

"Do you really want to be this difficult? I already told you that the ants are going down the toilet. Would you prefer if I set them on fire first?"

"Nice try, but I hid them really well!"

"I don't think putting the thing beneath your pillow counts."

Lambda paused. "How-"

"Your room's the size of my closet, Lambda. There's nowhere else you can hide them."

The Murakumo unit quickly released her death grip on the seithr creature and sprinted off to find a better hiding spot for her friends.

"You are some strange people," Arakune observed.

"You're one to talk, buddy!" Hazama shouted. "I saw you walking down the street, hand-in-hand with Tits McGee!"

Arakune stood bolt upright. "You talking shit about my waifu?"

"Language, please!" Kokonoe warned. "This is a televised show! Please refrain from using the 'W' word!"

"Oh, sorry." He turned back to Hazama. "You want to go, mate? I'll glass you." He held up a variety of glass containers to underscore his point.

Hazama jumped up on his keyboard. "Bring it on, Spider-Man! I've killed scarier bugs than you with toilet paper!"

Arakune leapt from his seat, glass pitcher in hand, and launched himself towards the NOL captain. Hazama simply waited for him to come within range before unleashing his secret weapon.

"Got you now, little moth," Hazama taunted as he revealed his ultimate power: a small can of Raid.

Arakune's life flashed before his eyes. The events in his subconscious mind continued to play over and over, almost as though they were superimposed onto his retinas. He could see everything clearly, from his time as a researcher at Sector Seven to all the people he ate to the first time he noticed just how little clothing Litchi was wearing. All of his fondest memories were there. He felt a faint smile cross his lips before the poisonous spray hit him directly. The searing pain of a thousand white-hot suns ate at his body, and his only solace was that unconsciousness took him quickly. The last thing he was aware of was the sensation of skidding across the tile floor and landing neatly at Hazama's feet.

Kokonoe sighed. "Not again… Tager, cut to commercial, we've got clean up this mess before the FTC complains."

* * *

Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by_ Armacham Technology Corporation: _the friendliest mega-corporation in the world._


	3. The Terrible Sequel Alluded to Last Time

A/N: Probably pushing that T rating on this one…

* * *

 **Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven**

 **Chapter 3**

Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by_ Payne's Painkillers: _for when you really need to get up and go._

* * *

Kokonoe strode out onto the stage with a piping-hot cup of coffee in her hand and took a seat at her desk. Almost as if she was on autopilot, she reached under her desk for a bottle of rum and poured several shots' worth into the mug before topping it with a dash of whipped cream. She took a long, satisfying sip from it before kicking back and putting her legs up on her desk.

The rest of the cast exchanged a glance with each other.

"You feeling alright?" Azrael asked. "Usually you don't start drinking until after the show."

Kokonoe waved her left hand dismissively. "I've determined that this show is going to turn out the same way independent of how much effort I put in. It really doesn't matter what I do."

Tager took the moment to speak up. "Need I remind you why you decided to do this show in the first place?"

"I know, I know. Budget cuts and all that."

"That, and because the alternative is going door-to-door and selling cookies, and I know you don't want to do that."

Kokonoe scowled. Before they had started doing the talk show, she had piled everyone from Sector Seven into one room and forced them to come up with actually viable suggestions that would provide additional funding. After discounting the useless ones, such as 'use our technology for the betterment of humanity by making necessary innovations in fields that need them' and 'provide a service that is both in demand and different from those offered by competitors', they narrowed it down to three suggestions: arms trafficking, a talk show, and door-to-door cookie sales. Arms dealing was very quickly eliminated after a mandatory screening of _Jormungand,_ leaving only the latter two. Kokonoe then eliminated cookie sales herself after determining that she'd be too tempted to eat all the inventory, which left them with only one real option.

Well, there was also Lambda's suggestion of kickstarting it, but nobody cares about Lambda so it was very quickly eliminated.

Kokonoe sighed. "Alright, Tager, you've got a point. I'll save the booze for after tonight's show inevitably goes tits-up."

Hazama grinned from his spot behind the keyboard. "Not that you'd know anything about tits."

The beastkin's right eye twitched as she rapidly spun around to face him. "I've got my dad on speed dial, you know. Do I need to call him up?"

Hazama's grin immediately faded and he sat up, stiff as a board. "I'll be good," he said in a small voice.

"Not to rain on your parade or anything, but I think we're on the air," Azrael said from the sidelines.

Kokonoe immediately turned her attention to the cameras. "Welcome, viewers. So glad you could all join us tonight for-"

She was immediately interrupted by what sounded like someone mashing randomly on a piano. She turned her attention to Hazama and fixed him with a glare.

He smiled at her. "What? I figured that if I'm going to play nice this time then I should actually do what you pay me to do."

Azrael leaned over to speak with Tager. "She pays him?" he whispered.

"Try not to think too hard about it," Tager whispered back.

Kokonoe sighed before turning back to the cameras. "Anyway, we've got a…" she struggled to find the proper descriptive term before finally giving up. "…Show for you tonight. Due to recent events we've decided to temporarily suspend the viewer call-in feature until further notice. You can expect to see it back once we've figured out how to properly filter calls. But for now, we've got another interview lined up, this time with a fan-favorite. She's been in the series since day one, and has been beating down scrubs in the online multiplayer for about as long. Let's give it up for everyone's favorite yandere, Nu-13."

She signaled for Hazama to play the canned applause sound effect. He nodded in understanding and instead played an ear-piercing screech, which caused everyone to cringe as he chuckled to himself in amusement. As this was happening, Nu walked out from backstage and took her place facing Kokonoe.

"Welcome to the show, Nu," Kokonoe greeted.

Nu looked around restlessly. "Where's Ragna? Nu was told that Ragna would be here."

"Oh, you know. He's around."

Nu glared at her. "You didn't lie to Nu, did you? That would make Nu very upset."

Kokonoe began to sweat profusely, as did everyone else in the cast with the exception of Hazama, who instead watched the entire spectacle with gleeful amusement. Everything was silent as Nu continued to glare at the Sector Seven scientist. Suddenly, just a few seconds into it, a big smile crept across Nu's face as she began to laugh hysterically.

"Ahaha! Oh, you all should've seen your faces!" She said joyously.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

Just as suddenly, Nu's laughing fit subsided. "But really, where is Ragna? I was told there'd be Ragna."

Kokonoe began to sweat once more. "Well, you see-"

"Rags isn't here right now," Hazama said. "I guess now you're just going to have to punish her for lying."

Nu sighed heavily. "So, you all admit that you lied to Nu… Well, since Nu is here anyway she might as well play along."

Kokonoe quickly reached under her desk for her coffee before deciding against it and deciding to just drink straight from the bottle of rum.

"So, did you have some questions for Nu?"

"Oh, plenty," Kokonoe said, returning from beneath her desk. "For starters: just what is your relationship with Ragna?"

Nu let out a heavy sigh. "Everyone seems to think that Nu is some psycho obsessed with stabbing Ragna to death, but that couldn't be farther from the truth! The truth is… Nu is only obsessed with Ragna because he owes Nu twenty bucks!"

Kokonoe was stunned. "…That's it?"

Nu nodded furiously. "Yup! He comes up to Nu one day and says, 'Nu, I need to borrow some money in order to buy the newest _Guilty Gear_. Well, Nu can't just turn him down, can she? So Nu gives him the money and makes him promise to pay her back. That was many months ago, and Nu has yet to see a single cent! How rude is that?"

"I didn't think your reason for pursuing him was something that innocuous."

Almost absentmindedly, Nu quickly added, "Oh, his dick is also huge."

Everyone on set immediately began to sputter as their brains struggled to process what they had just heard.

"W-what?!" they all shouted at the same time.

Nu giggled. "He made Nu promise that she wouldn't say that! That means that Nu has been naughty and needs to be punished…"

She began to breathe heavily and wiggle in her chair. Kokonoe was visibily disturbed.

"R-right… so…" she quickly tried to think of some way to salvage the interview. "…When did you two begin dating?"

She immediately kicked herself for asking what would inevitably turn out to be a terrible question and once again reached under her desk, this time going for the Irish whiskey.

The Murakumo Unit thought for a moment. "Well, we first met during _Calamity Trigger._ We didn't have very good chemistry early on, what with me trying to kill him and all, but eventually we worked things out. He had also been pursuing some of the other female cast members, with varying results."

"Care to elaborate on that a bit?"

"It's a little-known fact that all of the female characters with a few exceptions were constantly checking him out, so it's not like he was a stranger to any of us. He asked out Rachel and Noel before Nu, but they didn't work out very well – Noel because she was just too clumsy and Rachel because… well, I'm really not sure why, but it didn't go well. Probably still some awkwardness over her biting him."

She continued. "He asked Nu out pretty late into development, and it all progressed from there. Before you know it, he was carrying Nu up to his apartment bridal-style and gently yet securely binding her arms and legs to the bed posts, and…" she let out a low moan. "…Nu is getting horny just remembering it all."

Tager came over the stereo system. "Nu, this is live. We can't edit anything in post, so you're going to have to watch your language so we don't get taken off the air."

Kokonoe, meanwhile, had dropped the Irish Whiskey in favor of tequila, which she was drinking like it was water. She finished off a particularly large chug before turning back to her guest.

"Let's take a break from the bedroom talk for a second and discuss _Cross Tag Battle._ What do you think gave you an edge over some of the other applicants?"

Nu stopped acting like a horny schoolgirl for a moment to consider the question. "Well, Nu thinks her acceptance was a given from the beginning, what with her being one of the earliest villains in _Blazblue_ and all. Not to mention that Nu has quite a sizeable fanbase, as well! Plus, what other zoners does _Blazblue_ offer that are as famous as Nu? Nobody, that's who."

If Lambda were present that statement would probably have reduced her to tears, but she was not present. Instead, she was holding a funeral for her dearly departed friends, the ants from the second chapter. She was dressed all in black and crying her eyes out over a toilet, as that was where the ants had gone, true to Kokonoe's word. However, this was no ordinary funeral: somebody had burnt all of the ants to ashes with a blowtorch beforehand, so technically this was a Viking funeral. There was one other person in attendance, that person being Es, who had only come because Lambda had bribed her with pudding, which she was happily eating in the corner as the other Murakumo Unit reduced herself to a sniveling wreck.

But, as previously stated, nobody cares about Lambda, so back to our regularly scheduled late-night talk show.

Kokonoe nodded in understanding. "So, why wear that eyepatch around, anyway?"

Nu ran a hand over the object in question. "Admittedly, Nu doesn't actually need to wear it. She just thinks that her eye looks really strange underneath it. Plus, Ragna has a thing for girls with eyepatches."

Kokonoe raised an eyebrow, curious. "He does?"

Nu nodded furiously. "He's a Baiken main in _Guilty Gear_ , so it must be true."

Everyone in the room nodded in agreement.

Kokonoe glanced at her notes. "So, what do you see yourself doing after _Cross Tag Battle?_ " Seeing that Nu was taking a deep breath and seemed eager to respond, she quickly added, "Please don't say, 'being pregnant with Ragna's children'."

Nu pouted, having had the wind taken out of her sails. "Well, Nu guesses she'll stick around and see what ArcSys has planned…" she responded, less than enthusiastically.

"And, speaking of _Cross Tag:_ aside from Ragna, who are you looking forward to partnering up with and fighting in that game?"

Nu thought for a moment. "The other zoners seem interesting. Vatista in particular seems like she would make a good teammate. But Nu also looks for people to compliment her in close quarters, too. As for good people to fight against… well, Nu always looks forward to beating Noel up a bit, just to remind her who's boss."

"That wouldn't have anything to do with Ragna would it?"

Nu giggled. "You can read Nu like a book!"

"What about the other female characters?"

"They seem more interested in the male characters from their own series than in Ragna, but if any of them try to make a move on him then Nu will shut them down."

Tager came over the intercom. "Can we change the subject to something other than Ragna, please? The viewer count is dropping faster than _Street Fighter Five's_ sales numbers."

"Sure, but one more," Kokonoe said. "Aren't you also made from part of Saya's soul?"

"Nu sure is!" the Murakumo unit replied.

"Then, doesn't that technically make what you're doing with Ragna incest?"

Nu instantly replied. "Sure, Nu has part of Saya's soul in her, but Nu is her own person entirely, so it's okay."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night… and Ragna sleep at night, as the case may be. Anyway, let's move on before I get too grossed out."

Nu nodded. "You know, Nu has a question."

"Go ahead," Kokonoe implored.

"Where is that other, inferior Murakumo Unit?"

"Es?"

"No, the other one."

"Mu-12?"

"No, the other one."

Kokonoe was confused. She turned to the other cast members for guidance, but they were all equally confused.

She turned back to Nu-13. "Sorry, but we don't know who you're talking about."

"Oh. Well, Nu just wanted to tell her to stop stealing Nu's thunder."

"We'll make sure she gets the message if we see her again. Now, tell us about what it's like to have such a sizeable fanbase."

"At first, Nu didn't understand where her fans came from, since she wasn't a very sympathetic person in _Calamity Trigger_. But then she realized that people like yanderes, and it made sense. Plus, they like to root for the villain, something which Hazama should know about given his fanbase."

Azrael nudged Hazama, who was asleep at his keyboard and snoring loudly. "Hm? What'd you wake me up for?" the NOL captain asked, obviously irritated. "I was having a good time sleeping through this garbage."

"I think they're talking about you," the Mad Dog replied.

"Don't care. Going back to dreaming about boiled eggs."

"What's with you today? Normally you're constantly roasting the guest and Kokonoe."

Hazama shrugged. "You can't expect good material to just flow out of a guy's mouth all the time. You gotta give it time to charge, you know? Like the Light Brigade."

Azrael paused. "Damn, you really _are_ out of material."

"Right? Now let me sleep, you damn gorilla."

Kokonoe took a glance at her notes and breathed a sigh of relief. "Right, I think that's all we have. Thank you for joining us, Nu."

Nu smiled. "Thank you for having Nu on, even if you lied to get her here."

 _Thank God that's over,_ Kokonoe thought to herself. _And for once, nothing weird happened._

Just then, the wall behind Kokonoe exploded. Everyone turned their attention towards it and were met with a furious Izanami.

The goddess of death pointed an accusatory finger at Nu-13. "You!"

Nu grinned from ear to ear. "Well, if it isn't the bro-con herself!"

Azrael was extremely confused. "Just what the hell is going on here?"

"More importantly, who's going to pay for that wall?" Kokonoe asked. "Our advertisers are dropping us like crazy, there's no way we'll be able to afford to get that fixed."

Izanami ignored everyone in favor of marching (or, rather, floating) towards Nu. "Are all those things you were saying about Ragna true?"

Nu giggled. "And more!" she leaned in close. "Nu has the broken hymen to prove it."

Izanami's face contorted with rage. "You bitch! I'll kill you for this!" She began chasing after Nu, arms outstretched, like they both came fresh out of a _Scooby-Doo_ cartoon.

Nu laughed defiantly at her. "Why don't you go back to watching your _KissXSis,_ already? We all know that's the closest you're going to get to the real thing, anyway!"

"I'll have you know I've moved on to _Eromanga-Sensei_!" Izanami immediately paused. "…Did I just admit that on national TV?"

"We're still on the air, so yes," Tager informed her.

"I'll kill you!" Izanami shouted towards the fleeing Murakumo Unit. She began to fight seriously, actually throwing energy projectiles at the other girl, who very quickly donned her armor and took flight. Izanami followed her, floating across the room in hot pursuit.

Kokonoe ducked as an attack soared over her head, taking out a big chunk of the wall behind her. "Azrael, stop them!"

"I can't!" the Mad Dog shouted back.

"Why the hell not?"

"Do I look like I can fly to you?!"

Kokonoe facepalmed. "Tager, do something!"

"On it," came the Red Devil's reply. He very quickly picked up the microphone to the intercom, tuned it to cover the entire lab, and began to speak into it. "Do something!" he shouted, before taking cover as another one of Izanami's attacks flew by.

Another facepalm. "No, dumbass, I meant _you_ do something!"

Tager nodded. "I see what you mean. Don't worry, I've got this under control!"

He quickly scanned the control panel for something, anything that he could use to stop the madness. After a few seconds, he found something. He smashed the button in question as hard as he could.

* * *

Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by_ Brotherly Island: _unless you're Ragna, you'd better stay the hell away if you know what's good for you._


	4. Can You Tell I've Never Played Persona

**Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven**

 **Chapter 4**

Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by_ Arcana Heart: _the fastest way to find yourself the subject of a Canadian federal investigation._

* * *

Kokonoe let out a low groan as she held her throbbing head in her hands. Ever since the previous show she had been drinking like a fish, which is a roundabout way of saying that she was spending every waking moment slamming alcoholic beverages down her throat. Several days' worth of debauchery had finally caught up with her however, and although she had finished throwing up earlier that day, she was still left with a monster hangover.

Tager approached her with a tall glass of water and some over-the-counter pain relievers.

Kokonoe lazily followed him out of the corner of her eye. "Really? Over-the-counter stuff? Don't we have access to the good stuff from Litchi's clinic?"

"Not unless you want to spend the extra money," Tager said. "And after the last show, we really need to start pinching our pennies a bit more."

Kokonoe scowled as she remembered the aftermath of the previous interview. The entire set was completely trashed, and the back wall needed to be replaced entirely. A lot of their equipment was also destroyed, meaning that it had to be replaced as well. Luckily for them they had managed to convince Izanami to pay for most of it by threatening her with legal action (turns out even goddesses of death fear court orders), although she had also assured them that it was totally worth it as she managed to get more than a few good hits on Nu-13, who was now recovering at Litchi's clinic.

However, they were still left with a slight problem, that being their lack of advertisers. Nu's comments had caused several of their biggest advertisers to drop them entirely, which would have been a much bigger problem initially if it weren't for the fact that for some reason that broadcast was also their most popular one to date, bringing in almost double the amount of spectators from the previous one. Of course, there was no doubt among the cast that this would be a one-time thing, so it was anything but a reliable source of revenue.

"Tager…" Kokonoe moaned.

"Yes?"

"Tell me you lined up some new advertisers for us…"

"Luckily for you, I did. I showed them the numbers from the last broadcast and they agreed to sign on with us for a bit. Of course, this means that they'll be expecting similar results."

Kokonoe groaned. "Great, so what does that leave us with?"

Tager hestitated.

"Oh hell, don't tell me we've got to do what I think we've got to do."

"It's the only way, Kokonoe."

At that moment, Hazama spoke up from behind his keyboard. "You guys talking about doing porn or something?"

"No, we're talking about finding some other ways to up our viewer count," Tager responded.

"And porn wouldn't do that? Actually, never mind – nobody would pay to watch Kokonoe's wrinkly ass and flat chest, anyway."

Kokonoe grumbled under her breath as she quickly downed the pain meds with a huge gulp of water.

"What, that's it? No snappy comeback? No threaten to sic Azrael on me?"

"Too much work… too hung over…"

Hazama grinned widely. "You'd better look alive, Koko. We've got a broadcast today, after all!"

Kokonoe let out a noise that can best be described as a mix between a raspberry and a muffled 'kill me'.

Just then, Lambda came around the corner. "U-um… Professor…"

Kokonoe let out a heavy sigh. "Yes, Lambda, what is it? Can't you see that I'm quite busy?"

Lambda flinched before looking around the set briefly. "…No?"

Hazama chuckled. "Careful, Lambda, or else you might actually grow a spine!"

"I j-just wanted to say… um…" she trailed off as she looked around at all the cameras and lights. "ProfessorKokonoeIthinkwe'reontheair!" she said, her words coming out all at once.

Kokonoe blinked. "Huh?"

"Oh, I speak beta," Azrael ventured. "What she said was, we're on the air."

Kokonoe stared at the cameras unflinchingly for a moment before doing her best to ignore the marching band in her head and putting on the fakest of fake smiles.

"Greetings, viewers! Welcome to another exciting show! And I'm not just saying that because if I don't promise that it'll be exciting our advertisers will drop us, no sir!"

"Careful, they might figure out on their own that this show is actually terrible," Hazama said.

Kokonoe ignored him. "Anyway, Tager, tell the people what we've got planned today."

"Well, we're re-introducing the viewer call-in feature."

"Yes! We're bringing it back. Not because it made that broadcast incredibly popular or anything and we desperately need to boost our viewer count in order to assure our advertisers that they should stay with us, but instead because we value what you all have to say! Tell the people how it works, Azrael."

Azrael scratched the back of his head, still surprised that he had a speaking role. "Well, it's simple – you call in and get six seconds to say whatever you want."

"More if we're just so stunned by how asinine your call is that we forget to disconnect you," Hazama pointed out with a wink.

Kokonoe continued. "Do we have anyone, Tager?"

"A few," the Red Devil responded, cueing up the screen that would display the caller names.

"Okay, we've got… oh, geez… fine, whatever. Stop_Lambda_Abuse, you're on."

"Yes, I just want to know why you treat Lambda like such garbage?" the caller demanded.

"I didn't think Lambda had this many fans. Where the hell do you people come from, anyway? Are you sure you're not confusing her for Nu-13? They look really similar."

On the sidelines, just outside of the camera's viewpoint, Lambda was ecstatic. "F-fans..? I have fans..?

"How dare you accuse me of not actually liking Lambda! I'll have you know that I could never, ever confuse her for someone else, what with her blue armor, amazing ass, and complete lack of a jumpsuit, which shows off everything!"

Lambda caught on immediately and started to cry.

Kokonoe sighed. "Tager, get this guy off the air already. I refuse to let anybody talk about a respected member of the _Blazblue_ franchise that way. Sure, Mu-12 dresses a bit skimpily, but she's a nice girl, and there's no reason to insult her like that."

Tager quickly disconnected the caller, who had started to play _Sword of Doom_ in the background. Kokonoe grimaced as the music caused her headache to flare up again before once again ignoring it in favor of the show.

"Okay, next we've got Gordeau_Main… Gordeau_Main? Get that guy out of here!"

Tager kicked the caller off before they even got a chance to speak.

"That's better. I won't stand for Gordeau mains on my show. Next caller, please."

"Patching him through now," Tager said.

"Okay, we've got Fan_Of_Azrael."

"Oh, hell yeah!" Azrael said with a fist pump. "Put that guy on!"

"Fan_Of_Azrael, you're on."

The caller waited for a second before speaking. "Just joking Azrael, you're actually terrible," they said before hanging up.

The Mad Dog was stunned as everybody laughed at his suffering. "Wait, what?"

"I think you just got pranked," Kokonoe pointed out.

"That's not funny! Call that guy back!"

The host decided to humor her subordinate. "Tager, call him back."

The phone rang for a few seconds before someone picked it up.

Azrael spoke up first. "Listen here, you little sh-"

"Everyone who plays _Cross Tag_ would rather pick Chie over you if they play as a brawler because looking at a cute Japanese schoolgirl is more appealing than looking at a shirtless gorilla!"

Azrael grit his teeth. "Give me your address, you little punk! I'm going to come over there and kick your ass!"

"Yang isn't even out yet and people are more hyped for her than they ever were for you, and she's a guest fighter! You're just a token brawler in a series that was notoriously short on brawlers! You're the character that new players flock to because they like big damage and simple controls!"

Kokonoe nodded in approval. "Caller, I'd like to have you on the line longer, but you're taking up too much air time, and he's already dead anyway so we're going to have to cut you off."

"Not before I've had my epic comeback!" Azrael growled.

"Sit down, son. You've lost," the professor said as she signaled for Tager to end the call, which he did.

Azrael glared at her. "You did that on purpose."

She shrugged. "Like I said, we need time for other callers."

"Besides, you should be thankful that they ended that early," Hazama pointed out. "You basically just got Astral'd with words."

"Finally, someone who's more pathetic at something than me," Lambda said with pride.

"I wouldn't go that far. Azrael may be dirt, but you're more like the worm inside of the dirt."

Lambda stared crestfallen at the ground, her hopes crushed once more as she was reminded of her place in the world.

"Anyway, we're moving on," Kokonoe said. "I think we've got time for one more, so Hugh_G_Rection, you're on." She paused. "Oh, screw you! Tager, get that guy out of here!"

"That's the last caller, Kokonoe."

"Don't care! Get him out!"

She watched his name disappear from the queue and let out a heavy sigh, which was as much due to her relief that such a terrible caller had been removed as it was an attempt to push away her hangover. "Sorry you all had to hear that. Well, at least we all get to experience Azrael get roasted." To underscore her point, she pointed to the security chief in question, who was silently seething in the corner. "So, now it's time for the interview, and we've got a good one for you tonight. Fresh from _Persona,_ let's give a big round of applause to Yukiko Amagi."

She signaled for Hazama to play the canned applause. He nodded in understanding and quickly mashed out an incredibly dissonant tritone on the keyboard instead, which he held until Yukiko had taken her seat opposite of Kokonoe, who grit her teeth as the sound assaulted the inside of her head.

"Thanks for joining us today, Yukiko."

The student smiled at her. "Thanks for having me on. So, what's on the agenda today?"

 _Okay, Kokonoe, think,_ the beastkin thought to herself. _You're stuck in this interview despite knowing absolutely nothing about Persona. All you have to do is stick to your standard array of questions and not embarrass yourself. Shouldn't be too hard, right?_

She took a deep breath before asking the first question. "So, what's it like going from one weeb series to another?"

 _Off to a great start._

Yukiko thought for a bit before responding with a smile. "Well, it's not all that different if you think about it. I mean, we already had _Persona 4 Arena_ so it's not like we were all strangers to fighting games. Of course, _Cross Tag_ is a bit different, but it was all worth it to meet new friends and get the word out about my family's inn!" As if she were running on autopilot, she turned to face the cameras. "Come to the Amagi Inn! We've got the best hot springs around!"

"Sure, sure," Kokonoe said absentmindedly as she flipped through her notes looking for something to use. "How do you feel about Noel Vermillion?"

"The blond? I think she's very nice. Her skin could probably use a touch-up, though. Good thing the Amagi Inn can do that for her!"

"I'm just asking because it says here that you're not a very good cook, so I figured you could maybe find some common ground on that. It also says here that you tend to misinterpret people's conversations, are very introverted, and don't take very kindly to sexual innuendo." She glanced at Yukiko with one eyebrow raised. "…You sure you're not an alternate universe version of Noel?"

Yukiko blinked.

"'Cuz, you know, that's kind of the thing with our home series. You can never be too sure. Hell, I still think Hyde is just an alternate universe version of Ragna, except Hyde isn't such a jerk about it."

Yukiko simply smiled. "Well, it's true that I'm not a very good cook, so it's a good thing that the wonderful cooks at the Amagi Inn can provide not only for me, but for everyone else who arrives! That's Amagi, spelled A-M-A-G-I, located in Yasoinaba-"

"Something tells me that whatever you say to this girl is just going to go in one ear and out the other," Hazama observed.

Kokonoe ignored him. "So, what exactly do you bring to the table in _Cross Tag Battle?"_

"I bring my fire abilities, and also my fans."

"Yes, we know you're very popular, but-"

"I think she means fans as in paper fans, Kokonoe," Tager interjected.

Kokonoe glared at him. "Now, Tager, I know _Persona_ isn't the most well-respected series in the fighting game community, but that's no reason to accuse her fanbase of being fake."

"No, I mean fans as in literal fans, the kind you cool yourself down with. The kind she has in her hands right now."

Kokonoe glanced over at her guest, who was currently fanning herself while lecturing Lambda about the importance of trips to her family's inn while the Murakumo Unit desperately looked for a way out of the conversation.

"So it would seem," Kokonoe observed, clearing her throat to get the other girl's attention. "So, what do the fans let you do, anyway?"

"Oh, these?" Yukiko asked, gesturing to the items in question. "Well, I fight with them. My specialty is long-range pressure, thanks to how I throw them. I can also heal my teammates, something which no other fighters can do."

"That sounds like it would be a very useful skill."

"It is, but unfortunately it means that I spend a lot of time just acting as a stationary target while the players test out their combos." She turned to the camera once more. "Luckily, the Amagi Inn makes all the cuts and bruises disappear like they were never even there!"

Kokonoe let out a low groan under her breath. This guest was beginning to irritate her.

"One more question, Yukiko."

"Go ahead," the schoolgirl said with a smile.

" _Persona_ has that social link feature, right? The one where the protagonist can choose a girl to go out with? Exactly who did he pick, and does that cause any tension among the rest of you?"

Yukiko hesitated. "Ah, well, we actually aren't at liberty to discuss that. You see, if the shippers caught wind of the fact that one of the ships in question was made canon over all the other ones, there would be a riot."

"It was the toaster, wasn't it?"

The schoolgirl let out a heavy, sad sigh. "That obvious, huh?"

"Hey, I won't judge you. I can't imagine the competition you must have faced from something that isn't even human."

"When he told us who he was going with, I felt ashamed of myself…" She suddenly perked up. "But a trip to the Amagi Inn helped me clear my head quite easily, just as it could with all of your viewers! As a matter of fact, we have a special going on now, two for-"

Kokonoe held up a hand. "Let me just stop you there. Did you agree to come on this show just so you could advertise your family's inn for free?"

Yukiko laughed. "Oh, the light finally dawns! It took you long enough."

Kokonoe sighed. "Unfortunately for you, I don't take too kindly to people taking advantage of me, so if you'll excuse me I'm going to go ahead and put the hurt on you." She rose from her seat, prepared for a fight, while the other girl simply continued to smile at her.

"Ah, but at this very moment, I know your weakness."

"Oh, yeah? And what would that be?"

Yukiko loudly whistled. The shrill, high-pitched sound reverberated through Kokonoe's skull, instantly making her hangover from earlier flare up again, only several times more intense. She crumpled to the ground, hands clasped over her ears as she desperately tried to keep it from getting any worse. Yukiko quickly seized her opportunity, jumping over the incapacitated cat girl and making a break for the nearest exit.

"Be sure to visit the Amagi Inn! We have the best cures for hangovers out of all the universes in _Cross Tag_!" she called as she sprinted away.

Azrael marched over to Kokonoe and kneeled beside her. "You alright?"

She muttered something under her breath.

"What was that?"

"…Commercial…" she said quietly.

Azrael went to signal Tager, who moved to do exactly that. Just before he did, Hazama seized his opportunity. The NOL captain mashed a button on his keyboard, and immediately all the speakers in the room began blasting _Katyusha,_ straight from the _Girls Und Panzer_ soundtrack.

The cameras just barely caught the beginning of Kokonoe's scream of agony before cutting to commercial.

* * *

Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by_ The Amagi Inn: _we totally just used this loser's show for free advertising._


	5. Any Room For Lambda (No Room For Lambda)

A/N: Work is requiring me to take a nightmare of a licensing exam called the Series 7, so expect updates to be sparse while I study for it in an attempt to keep my job.

* * *

 **Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven**

 **Chapter 5**

Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by the_ 100 Rads Bar: _I said come in, don't stand there!_

* * *

It was late at night. Most of the other workers in the Sector Seven labs (what few remained after the budget cuts, that is) had gone home for the day, leaving just the talk show crew behind.

Oh, and Lambda.

In any case, everybody was currently gathered together in a big circle in front of Kokonoe's desk. The scientist in question was eyeing all of them with malice as they sat across from her in the most uncomfortable folding chairs she could find. After a few seconds of trying to stare a hole through Hazama's face, she finally cleared her throat and began to speak.

"Alright, people! I've gathered you all here today because I need to crack some skulls!" Kokonoe said, clearly enraged.

"What got up your ass, Koko?" Hazama asked.

"One of you, that's what! Which one of you pricks did the research on _Persona 4's_ social links for the last show?"

Lambda fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat, hoping that the catgirl wouldn't notice her.

"Not gonna admit it, huh? Well, whoever you are, you'd better hope that I don't find you, because I'll have your ass!"

The Murakumo Unit began to sweat.

"What was wrong with that information, Kokonoe?" Tager asked.

"It was incorrect, that's what! Aigis wasn't available as a social link in _Persona 4_ , therefore Yu can't have dated her. Clearly this was an attempt to besmirch the sanctity of my show, as the culprit knew that I wouldn't be able to detect their misdeed, as I have never played a _Persona_ game!"

Lambda desperately looked for a way to sneak out of the room without being seen.

Kokonoe huffed angrily. "In any case, you can all expect that I'll put more effort into double-checking the research you idiots give me. That'll teach me to trust you lot. Hazama."

Hazama looked flustered. "M-me? You think I did this?"

"Who else?"

"Kokonoe, I _wish_ I had done this! You really think that if this had been a Hazama original prank that I'd have been so subtle about it? If anything, this was a wasted opportunity – the culprit should have been much more open about it, that way it would've been funnier. Of course, now the joke's been done, so I can't copy it without being unoriginal…"

Kokonoe sighed. "Whatever. Just know that I've got my eye on everyone, but in particular on you. And if I catch the one who _did_ feed me this false information, oh man, I'm going to make them _wish_ their mom had swallowed them!"

By this point, Lambda was hyperventilating in her chair, extremely close to having a panic attack, causing everyone to look at her nervously.

"Kokonoe, I think your robot is having a malfunction," Azrael observed.

"Huh? Tager looks fine where I'm standing."

"No, the other one."

"Oh. No, that's just a thing she does sometimes. Just put her out in the garden and let her dig for earthworms for a bit, she'll be back to normal in no time."

Azrael nodded and scooped the trembling Murakumo Unit into his arms before taking her outside.

Tager looked slightly concerned. "You sure you don't want to run diagnostics on her?"

Kokonoe waved her hand dismissively. "She's a big girl, she'll be fine. Maybe. Who cares?"

"You know, there's one thing I don't get," Hazama said.

"What would that be?"

"Why your chest hasn't developed despite you being old enough to be my grandmother. Also, another thing I don't get is why Yukiko just went along with that obvious mistake."

Kokonoe looked annoyed. "You really think she cared about that interview? I doubt she was even paying attention to the questions being asked, she just wanted to advertise her stupid inn. Hell, I'd be surprised if she wasn't just running on autopilot the entire time, that bitch." After a moment, realization dawned. "And just what the hell did you say about my chest?!"

"Oh, look at that, we're on the air!" Hazama said as he pointed to Tager, who simply nodded in agreement.

Kokonoe stared at the camera in shocked silence for a moment before putting on a wide smile. "Hello, dear viewers! Welcome back to another exciting episode! Before we begin, it is my pleasure to announce that the ratings for the last show have finally come in, and we're officially the number one talk show in all of Kagutsuchi!"

Azrael, having returned from throwing Lambda into the gardens, leaned over to whisper in Hazama's ear. "Is that true?"

"We're the only talk show that's broadcast in Kagutsuchi, so yes," came the response.

Kokonoe clapped her hands together, getting their attention. "We've got quite the show tonight! Our special guest is someone who we initially struggled to get on, what with how in-demand they were, but after some negotiations we finally arranged to get them on!"

"Negotations?" Azrael asked again.

Hazama was annoyed. "Can't somebody else ask the questions already?"

"I can do that," Tager said from beside them. "What negotiations is she talking about?"

"Well, I'll admit that I'm not overly in-the-know about this – all of my information comes from what I've overheard from Kokonoe when she's babbling in her sleep after she's had a few too many drinks and a bit too much catnip. Anyway, from what I've heard from the lady herself, she's been trying to get this particular guest on for a while, but ArcSys has been keeping her busy with _Cross Tag._ "

"Why this guest?"

Hazama shrugged. "I don't know. I guess Kokonoe has something special planned."

"Good in a good way, or a bad way?"

Another shrug. "We'll see."

Tager paused. "We're all doomed, aren't we?"

"If not today, then eventually. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play some music to fit this occasion."

Hazama cracked his fingers before continuing to sit at his keyboard without doing anything.

Azrael scratched the back of his head. "Aren't you going to play something?"

"I am! Haven't you heard of _4'33"?_ " The NOL Captain scoffed. "It's called contemporary classical, you ignorant plebs! Not that I'd expect uncultured swine like you lot to appreciate fine art, but still."

Kokonoe loudly cleared her throat to let the procession of people in the corner of the room know that she was still very much in charge. "If you three are quite finished, it's time to introduce the guest! Please welcome Noel Vermillion to the stage!"

Everyone waited in silence for the girl in question to appear. After a few seconds of nobody arriving, Hazama finally spoke up.

"Yo, Koko Puffs! Are you sure that ArcSys actually sent her here?"

Kokonoe grit her teeth. "Oh, they sent her here, alright! After the tongue-lashing I gave all of them, there's no way they'd refuse!"

A few more seconds passed. Finally, Tager got on the intercom.

"Noel, you're supposed to come out now."

A few more seconds passed before someone called out from off-camera.

"I-I can't!" came the response.

Kokonoe groaned. "Oh, geez… look, it's just a talk show, and a very popular one at that."

Hazama interrupted. "Yeah! We're being watched by literally hundreds of people right now! We're super popular!"

Kokonoe glared at him. "Look, the sooner you come out, the sooner we can do the interview, and the sooner you can go home and do… whatever it is that you do."

"Online shopping!" Noel shouted back, again from offscreen.

Hazama was taken aback. "Online shopping? What the hell kind of hobby is that? What next, poetry writing?"

A few seconds passed before the response came. "Well, actually…"

"No way! You're kidding, right?"

"Noel, just ignore him. Come on out so we can do this," Kokonoe encouraged.

"O-okay…." Came the reply. A moment later the blonde stepped out from behind the stage, taking care to shield her eyes from the bright stage lights as she did her best to avert her gaze from the multitude of cameras surrounding her. She hurried over to the seat across from Kokonoe's desk and sat down.

The professor grinned at her. "That's better. You know, there's an easy fix for stage fright."

"T-there is?" Noel asked, hopefully.

"Yeah! Just don't be a little bitch! C'mon, stage fright? That's really something I'd expect from Lambda! You're not like Lambda, are you?"

Noel bristled. "Well, actually…"

Kokonoe paused. "Oh, right. Forgot about the Saya thing. Man, that girl really gets around. There's you, Nu-13, Lambda, Izanami… Mu-12? Is she a different character?"

"I've heard that they're treated like two different people, even though they're actually one and the same," Azrael ventured.

"That means she gets double the pay all of us do!" Hazama said.

"Aren't you also Terumi? And isn't Jin also Hakumen?"

"Yes, but we're not the eye-candy, so we don't get paid as much as StageFright McSocialAnxiety over there!"

Noel cowered under his accusations. "I-it's just what ArcSys offered me..!"

"Yeah, well, you should have had the integrity to refuse! You need to be punished!"

"And how, exactly, do you intend to do that?" Kokonoe asked, one eyebrow raised.

Hazama grinned. "Simple: I'm still technically her commanding officer. So, Noel, give me a thousand push-ups, on the double!"

Noel looked crestfallen. She got out of her chair, assumed the push-up position, and was just about to start doing push-ups when someone called out from offstage.

"Not so fast!" they shouted.

Her eyes lit up. "I recognize that voice! Jin!"

The character in question strode out, head held high. He stepped over Noel and walked over to Hazama, then pointed a finger in his face.

"Last I checked, _Captain,_ I outrank you!" he threatened.

Hazama held up his hands in surrender. "Whatever you say, Major."

"Now that that's been established, I'll be giving the orders here!"

Noel's eyes began to sparkle in wonderment as she beheld her savior.

Jin turned to her. "Make it ten-thousand!"

Her face fell. "W-what?"

"Did I stutter? Get to it, garbage!"

"Y-yes sir!" she said as she began to do the exercise.

Jin pulled up a chair and watched in amusement as she followed his order to the letter.

Tager leaned over. "This is a gross misuse of the power granted to you by your position."

"I know, isn't it great?" came the response as he high-fived Hazama. "Put your back into it, trash! I want to see your chin touch the floor every time you go down!"

Kokonoe tapped her fingers on her desk impatiently. "Are you all quite finished?"

They all stayed silent.

"That's what I thought. Anyway, Noel, let's get on with the interview."

"D-do we have to..?" Noel begged between grunts of exertion.

"Yes, we have to. I have you here and I'm going to put you to good use. Also the cameras can totally see up your skirt."

Noel let out a cry of embarrassment as she leapt to her feet, doing her best to pull her skirt down a bit lower as her face flushed bright crimson.

"Did I tell you to stop, filth?" Jin shouted.

"N-no, sir!" Noel stuttered, as she re-oriented herself so the cameras couldn't see up her clothes.

"I don't understand why she's so concerned. There's just a black void up there, after all," Hazama observed. "It's not like she's Izanami and we can see her panties whenever she uses half her moveset."

Somewhere far away, Izanami spat her drink out as she watched the TV. "What?!" she shouted. "Why has no one told me about this? I never gave ArcSys permission to model my undergarments!" Her face suddenly went red as a sultry look crept across it. "…But that means that Ragna saw them when we fought…" she let out a long, low moan as she caressed her Ragna body pillow. "Oh, brother… one day you'll be mine…"

Back in the Sector Seven labs, Hazama shuddered.

"Something wrong?" Azrael asked.

"For some reason, a chill just went down my spine. I can only assume that something horrifying just happened somewhere."

"Faster, human waste!" Jin commanded, unhappy with Noel's pace.

Noel gave a grunt of exertion as she started exercising faster.

Kokonoe turned to the NOL major. "I know this is supposed to be an interview with Noel, but I have to ask: why are you even here? Don't you have better things to do?"

"And miss making Noel Vermillion's day tangibly worse? I think not!" He reached into a cooler that was sitting beside him, which nobody else had noticed, and retrieved a beer, which he quickly cracked open and took a long, satisfying sip from. The feeling of ice-cold alcohol and the sight of Noel Vermillion in physical distress combined to make him extremely content.

The pink-haired professor let out a heavy sigh as she pinched the bridge of her nose in disbelief. "Whatever, let's just get this stupid show on the road…" she muttered before leaning over her desk to look at Noel. "So, we'll begin this interview already. Now, Noel, you've been in _Blazblue_ since the very beginning, correct?"

"Y-yes," came the response between grunts of exertion.

"That's good. Would you say you've been attracted to your brother for the _entire_ length of the series, or just most of it?"

The question immediately made Noel let out all of her breath in a single mighty exhale. Having been partway through her next push-up, she very quickly crashed under her own weight, her chin painfully bouncing off the ground.

Jin cracked another beer open. "Not that I don't appreciate the dedication to my chin-on-the-ground order, trash, but I don't recall ordering you to stop."

"Damn, Major, you're ice-cold," Hazama observed.

"You're god-damn right, Captain," came the response, as the two shared another high-five.

Noel, meanwhile, had flushed a deep crimson while assuming push-up position again. "W-what kind of question is that?"

Kokonoe shrugged. "Hey, don't blame me. I don't write the questions."

Tager quickly came over the intercom. "Yes you do."

She waved her hand absentmindedly. "Don't mind Tager, he's desperately in need of some maintenance. Some _very thorough_ maintenance. The painful kind of maintenance."

Azrael cracked his knuckles. "Sick! That means I get to hold him down, right?"

"Shouldn't you be making sure Lambda is okay?"

"Don't try and brush off my question by pretending to care about Lambda all of a sudden, it's much too obvious."

Kokonoe furrowed her brow. That _had_ been a little obvious, hadn't it?

Speaking of Lambda, she was currently creeping through the gardens, examining every little insect she could see with intense concentration, a content smile on her face. This was the happiest she had been in a long time, possibly ever. But nobody cares about her, so back to the show.

Noel let out a groan. "W-what's going on with this show..? I thought I was here to get interviewed, but instead I'm stuck doing physical training and answering embarrassing questions…"

"Still waiting on an answer for that last one, by the way," Kokonoe pointed out. "I'm not letting you off the hook for it that easily."

Hazama grinned. "Might want to be careful about how you answer this one, blondie – after all, Jin's right here, and we all know how he feels about people who try to muscle in on his claim to Ragna."

Noel glanced up to see Jin eyeing her with pure malice, as if daring her to say the wrong thing. She gulped before answering. "I… um… _don't_ like Ragna the Bloodedge?"

Hazama pushed a button on his keyboard. A loud buzzer sounded.

Jin leapt from his seat. "Lieutenant Vermillion, did you just _lie_ to your superior officer?"

Noel looked shocked. "W-what? But Hazama said-"

"'But' nothing! I won't stand for that in my military, Vermilion! On your feet!"

Noel quickly obliged. Kokonoe impatiently tapped her fingers on her desk, waiting for the interview to get back on track.

"Is this going to take much longer? You're burning through my air time something fierce," she said, annoyed.

"Oh, wait your turn, A-cup. This looks interesting," Hazama said.

Kokonoe's eye twitched with barely-contained rage.

Noel stood locked in her position, not daring to move a muscle as Jin eyed her from head to toe.

"I-is something the matter, Maj-" she began.

Jin cut her off instantly. "Burpees, Lieutenant!" he shouted.

"W-what?!"

"Did I stutter? Burpees! Ten thousand of them, separated into groups of thirty, with groups of fifty push-ups in between until you have gone through all of the reps for both exercises! And in the meantime you will answer Professor Kokonoe's questions to the best of your abilities!"

"Gee, thanks for being so considerate to me," Kokonoe deadpanned, still annoyed.

"Get to it, trash!"

"Y-yes sir!" Noel said, resuming her physical training.

Satisfied, Jin returned to his seat, where Hazama waited with another beer for him.

Kokonoe slammed her palm on her desk. "Are we all done now? No more interruptions?"

Everyone stayed silent.

"Thank freakin' _God_ , because you people are starting to become insufferable this broadcast. Thankfully Lambda isn't here; one less child to deal with. Anyway, Noel, how's another question sound?"

Noel let out a heavy grunt from exertion. "S-sounds great, Professor!"

"Cool, because I'm thinking of one to say after you answer my first question." She leaned in closer, a sneer on her face. "…Or did you think I'd forgotten after all of that commotion?"

Noel began to sweat. "O-of course not! Um… let's see… I guess I've had a bit of a crush on Ragna since the first game…"

"Make it fifteen thousand burpees, Lieutenant," Jin said almost absentmindedly.

Noel let out a heavy sigh.

Kokonoe continued. "And you don't think there's anything weird about that, what with you technically being his sister and all?"

Noel thought for a bit. "Well, if it's okay for Nu, Lambda, and Izanami, then-"

"Yeah, that makes perfect sense. If the most mental people in the series don't see anything wrong with it, then it must be okay!" Hazama said. "I swear, you're all completely hopeless. I might actually feel bad about bullying you people in canon if you weren't all so retarded."

"Can we get Mu-12 in here?" Azrael wondered aloud. "She seems much more stable."

"W-Why is everyone picking on me..?" Noel asked as she finished her set of burpees and moved on to push-ups.

Kokonoe waved her hand dismissively. "Pay no mind to them. Now, how about another question? So, I saw on your bio that you're quite the introvert. Do you think that being, for lack of a better term, completely and utterly screwed-up socially makes you more endearing to the fans?"

Noel was stunned. "W-well…"

"'Cuz I'm here to tell you that it really doesn't. At all. It's quite annoying."

"Um… is there an interview question somewhere in there..?"

"What? No. I was just playing some story mode a while ago and determined that you really annoyed me, and decided to take my frustrations out on you. Anyway, I see that you treat Lambda like a little sister. Is that because you realize she's the only thing more pathetic than you?"

"What's with these interview questions?" Noel shouted. "Why are you all doing this to me!"

Kokonoe adjusted her glasses. "Clearly that's a sore spot. I can understand. How about we move on?"

Noel bit her lip. "Fine… but it has to be a normal question this time!"

"Sure, sure. So, you write poetry as a hobby, right?"

"Yes, that's right…"

"Well, we happen to have some here with us tonight, so I was thinking we'd do some story time for the viewers."

Hazama was stunned. "Geez, Kokonoe, this is just diabolical!"

Noel, by this point, was very openly crying. Tears streamed down her face as she continued her physical training.

Jin, predictably, was having the time of his life.

"Why are you doing this to me?" the blonde girl sobbed. "What did I ever do to you?"

Kokonoe leaned in. "Oh, I think you know that quite well," she said.

"W-what are you talking about?"

The catgirl pointed an accusatory finger at her. "Don't pretend like you didn't do it!"

"D-do what?"

"The coffee machine! It was working just fine before you showed up unannounced to visit Lambda, which was a terrible excuse for an unannounced visit by the way because _nobody,_ not even you, cares about Lambda enough to visit her, and then suddenly it's broken! Now, if that's a coincidence, then my name is Blake Belladonna, and it's not!"

Noel sniffed. "W-what are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb! I know it was you!"

At that moment, Tager came over the intercom. "Actually, Kokonoe, we have it on video that it was Tao who broke the coffee machine."

Kokonoe paused. "Oh." She took a few seconds to shuffle the papers on her desk around before turning back to the NOL lieutenant. "…So, how's it feel, knowing that Celica was a better main heroine than you?"

At that moment, Lambda walked in, still covered with dirt from the garden and with several different bugs crawling all over here. "Were you all calling for me?"

"Get the hell out of here, Lambda! The _important_ characters are talking!" Hazama said almost instantly.

The Murakumo Unit's eyes started to water as she lowered her head and begrudgingly walked off stage.

Kokonoe sighed as she looked across the stage. Noel was still crying her eyes out and doing her exercises, Hazama was alternating between pointing and laughing at Lambda and pointing and laughing at Noel, Jin was getting progressively more intoxicated with each passing second as he drank to celebrate Noel's misery, Tager was doing his best to both keep the show going and to hide the fact that he was really, _really_ dreading the after-show maintenance she was going to put him through, and Azrael was flexing his muscles for some reason.

"There's really no way this episode could be any worse," she said.

As if on cue, the back wall exploded. Nobody bothered to look at who the culprit was this time because it had become routine by this point, so none of them really cared.

"You!" came the sound of a familiar voice.

Somehow, Kokonoe could tell the accusation was directed at her. "Who, me?" she asked, turning around to face the new guest, who ended up being Bullet.

"What the hell is wrong with you? I thought we had an agreement that I would be on this week!"

Kokonoe quickly went through the events of the last couple of days. They mainly consisted of gorging herself on candy and catnip, sending ArcSys nasty messages threatening them that she would blow up their company with one of the myriad of missiles she still had stockpiled in the armory if they didn't send Noel over so Kokonoe could humiliate her on live TV, and recording songs about how much she hated her parents that would never leave the hard drive they were stored on. Somewhere between all of those, she vaguely recalled being drunk enough to call up Bullet and invite her on the show.

 _Shit,_ she thought to herself. "Uh, can we do this some other time? It's not really an opportune moment right now."

"Are you kidding me? I canceled a fight with Yang for this!"

At that moment, Azrael spoke up. "Hang on, you got a fight with Yang? Before I did?"

Bullet nodded.

"And you're not even in _Cross Tag_?"

Another nod.

"You bitch! Do you have any idea how long I've been trying to do that?!"

Bullet put one hand on her hip. "Well, she thinks you're kind of weird, so it's no wonder why she keeps ignoring your calls."

"Oh, snap!" Hazama said. "You gonna just take that lying down, Mad Dog?"

Azrael cracked his fingers. "Like hell! Come here, bitch!"

And just like that, Azrael and Bullet began to tear a path of destruction through the Sector Seven labs.

Kokonoe just watched them go at it with a blank expression for a second before turning back to the camera. "Well, I think we're done here. Now, if you'll excuse me I think it's about that time." She checked her watch. "Yup, it's that time."

She reached under her desk and came up with a bottle of wine, which she quickly uncorked.

"Cirrhosis, my name is Kokonoe," she said in a monotone as she brought the bottle to her lips.

Tager, sensing that their ad revenue was now in a much more tense situation, silently changed it to commercial before things could get any worse.

* * *

Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by_ Silver Knight Archery Lessons: _causing_ _sodium toxicity since 2011._


	6. Purse-Owner? I Hardly Know Her!

A/N: Sorry about the wait, everybody. I've been super busy; between moving, working, and studying, it's been tough to find some time to breathe, let alone write, and what writing I have done has been almost entirely on other, non-Blazblue projects. I also still have a LOT more studying to do (I'm on chapter 4 of 17 and it's not getting any more bearable than when I started). I'm also going to start taking some time to try and think of more material and also work on other projects in the meantime, so expect sparse updates, unfortunately. That being said, here's the chapter.

* * *

 **Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven**

 **Chapter 6**

Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by_ Black Mesa: _please stop petting the houndeyes._

* * *

Azrael staggered onto the set, doing his best to shield his eyes from the stage lighting, and failing miserably. His head felt like it was about to split in half, and he sunk into his usual seat next to Hazama with a low groan.

Hazama watched him, a sneer on his lips. "No offense, Az, but you look like garbage. Rough night?"

The Mad Dog just grumbled in response.

The NOL Captain leaned closer, mockingly placing one hand next to his ear. "What was that?"

Another groan. "Just stop talking already, my head hurts enough without your chatter."

That turned Hazama's sneer into a full-on grin. Azrael wanted nothing more than to lean over and punch him through the wall, but in his current state even turning his head was too demanding, so he refrained from doing so.

"So, what brought this on? I mean, you've always been a bit of a drinker, but this is extreme even for you."

Azrael's malicious glare did nothing to stop him.

He continued, his voice dripping with barely-disguised glee. "Did you lose a fight or something? Normally I wouldn't consider that a possibility, but then again _Cross Tag Battle_ did see fit to try and put everybody on a near-equal playing field, so I guess it can't be ruled out… Or maybe it's something to do with your contract?" He paused. "Girl trouble?"

Another glare.

The NOL Captain chuckled. "Okay, that last one was a bit out-there, I admit. But there must be something that could have caused this." He scratched his chin in thought before realization struck. A smirk spread its way across his face.

Azrael caught on immediately. "Don't you dare."

"Oh, now I see it!"

"I swear to God, Hazama, if you say it, I will break you in half once I'm not hung over."

"What? All I was going to say is-"

"I'm warning you."

His smirk turned into a full-on smile. "There's nothing wrong with being mid-tier."

The silence was palpable.

Finally, Azrael spoke. It was in a low tone, far too calm for the Mad Dog.

"You just signed your own death warrant," he growled.

Another grin. "And how do you intend to do that? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm higher up in the tier list than you are."

Azrael let out another groan, this one as much due to sheer rage as it was to his hangover. Hazama broke into wild laughter, which caused him to cover his ears and grit his teeth as the sound reverberated throughout his skull. After a minute, it ended, and Hazama was left wiping tears from his eyes as the Mad Dog glared at him.

"Are you done?" he growled.

"Hey, it could be worse. You could be Jubei, Chie, Weiss, or Yukiko."

That actually gave him pause. Those four had made no secret about their disappointment with their spots on the tier list, as unofficial as they may have been. They each had their reasons for being angry about their positions, with Jubei and Weiss being the most obnoxious about it. He shuddered when he thought of those two. Low-tier or not, the looks they had given everyone else after seeing the lists for the first time were enough to make them all proverbially piss themselves out of fear.

Unless they happened to be Yosuke or Noel, in which case they _literally_ pissed themselves out of fear.

"I suppose you're right," Azrael admitted. "I just hate that they've taken away most of my tricks from the previous games. That, and it really sucks getting outranged all the time. Nu and Vatista are bad enough, but don't get me started on Ruby and Gordeau."

Hazama's smirk vanished. "You just had to bring up the little red brat…" he muttered.

In truth, Hazama hated Ruby. It wasn't so much for her personality (she was actually really nice, although extremely annoying if you had to deal with her for anything more than two minutes; how her teammates lived with her, he had no idea) as it was for the fact that she was somehow higher up on the tier list than almost everyone else, as well as the fact that EVERYBODY wanted to play as her. That, and the fact that she was always so damn _smug_ whenever she won…

He sighed. "If I never have to fight against her again, it'll be too soon."

"You're telling me."

Suddenly, the backstage door swung open. Azrael covered his ears with a groan once more as Kokonoe strode in, looking extremely relaxed. Her attitude did not go unnoticed.

"I take it your Alcoholics Anonymous meeting went well?" Hazama stated.

The scientist was unfazed. "Make as many jokes as you want, it'll have no effect on me tonight."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Do tell."

"Basically, I'm stepping out for tonight. I've got some business to attend to, and I won't be wasting any time dealing with you pricks."

It was a lie, of course. Her 'business', if it could be called that, was going to consist entirely of sitting at home and playing video games. She wasn't sure what games they were going to be yet, only that _Cross Tag Battle_ would not be included, at least not until ArcSys started taking her calls again.

That, and you can only see so many people maining Yu in one week before you want to put a hole through the wall.

Hazama and Azrael exchanged a worried glance. "So, does this mean that the show is cancelled?" Hazama asked. "Because the paycheck I'm getting from the current game is nice, but these suits are a lot more expensive than you might think, so-"

Kokonoe waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, no! I would never cancel the show, even if you all have done nothing but drive me up the damn wall these past couple of weeks. After all, I need some way to pay the electric bill. Well, some way other than making Lambda start working as a janitor at the local middle school, that is."

Hazama smirked as he remembered the look on the Murakumo Unit's face when Kokonoe had dropped _that_ bomb on her out of nowhere. Her look of sheer discomfort had sustained him to the point where he actually had to back off on trolling anybody else for the rest of the day simply because he was afraid that it would overload his brain. The fact that she came home almost every day covered in chewing gum and spitballs and sporting a thousand-yard stare intense enough to make even someone who got Astralled in ranked three times in a row blush was just icing on the cake.

The catgirl continued. "Anyway, I've called in a favor from an… _acquaintance_ of mine, shall we say, and they've agreed to host the show during my absence."

Her voice was nothing but confident, but inside she was pleading that nobody had checked the interview schedule in the past couple of days, since it would mean that they would see right through her little façade. In truth, she was leaving because someone had scheduled Nine, her mother, as the interview guest for tonight, and _that_ was a minefield she didn't want to get within thirty miles of, let alone try and cross. She wasn't sure who had done it (heck, she was even willing to admit that it might have been herself, given her now-very-common propensity for getting blackout drunk), but she did know one thing: whoever it was, they would have a very short lifespan if she ever got her hands on them.

"And who is this acquaintance?" Azrael questioned.

That earned another dismissive wave of her hand. "Oh, just a person."

Hazama quickly checked Arakune and Jubei off of his list of possible hosts, and mentally added Blake, Makoto, Es, Nu, Aegis, Vatista, and Yosuke to the 'maybe' category.

"I've also lined up a new segment for tonight, featuring a friend of yours from _Cross Tag._ "

Hazama leaned back in his chair, his arms folded. "You're pulling out all the stops, Kitty Cat. What's the occasion?"

Kokonoe glowered at the nickname before responding. "Well, I just thought that it would be a good idea to try and branch out a bit."

"As good a reason as any, I suppose," Tager said as he approached from behind. "When can we expect this mystery person to arrive? We don't have much time before the show begins."

The pinkette checked her watch. "Should be any minute now. Anyway, I've gotta run. Try not to burn the set down while I'm gone."

"No promises," Hazama said dismissively as he watched her run off stage. Only when she was gone did he allow a smirk to cross his face.

 _Looks like the plan went perfectly,_ he thought to himself.

In truth, Hazama had been the one to bump Nine's name to the top of the list. Of course, he hadn't needed to go so far as to actually arrange for her to show up – he knew Kokonoe well enough to know that merely seeing her mother's name on the top of the list would be enough to get her to run out of the building screaming. As for why he had done it… well, in truth, he needed some time to think up some new material for the regular host, since he could only make fun of her cup size (hilarious as it was) for so many times in a row before it got stale. He figured that forcing her to take some time off would give him the time he needed in order to think of some new ways to irritate her, as well as give him a new target to practice on.

That, and hearing her meltdown after she saw the interview schedule was utterly delightful. Up until that point, he had thought that people being able to break glass with just their voice was a myth, but judging by the fact that literally every window in the facility needed to be replaced, that was just not true. He made a quick note to himself to recommend Kokonoe look for a career as an opera singer if her current position as ArcSys' forgotten heroine continued to go nowhere.

The light suddenly began to dim, and a countdown started up in the control booth.

Hazama turned to Azrael. "Guess we're about to find out who the host is."

Azrael simply glared back. "You're still a dead man."

Hazama's response was to simply laugh and gently punch the other man in the shoulder. Before he could formulate a snappy response, however, a figure strode out from behind the stage and took a seat at Kokonoe's desk. His eyes widened.

"Oh my God, it's Christmas," he said as a wide smile carved its way across his face.

Sitting there in the middle of the stage was Hakumen.

Hazama was practically shaking with excitement. This was just too good! Finally, he would get a chance to try out all the material he had on the White Void!

"Stop shaking, snake charmer. People might get the wrong idea and think you've got something up your ass."

Hazama suddenly paused. "I'm sorry, what did you just say to me?" he asked.

Hakumen stared at him. "You must be even stupider than I remember. Fine, I'll repeat myself just this once, even though I'm a firm believer that charity is wasted on the mentally handicapped: first, I called you a snake charmer. This comment was meant as a play on words, indicating the fact that you're known for your affinity for legless lizards while also serving as a joke about your sexuality, since 'snake' could also be interpreted as 'one-eyed snake', meaning a penis, and 'snake charmer' would indicate that you handle a lot of penises in your spare time."

"He was calling you a homosexual," Azrael helpfully explained.

"Yes, I'm aware of that now," Hazama said through gritted teeth.

Hakumen continued. "I then insinuated that you had a sex toy in your ass, which was the cause of your excited fidgeting. Do I need to explain myself further?"

The NOL Captain simply stared at him in shock before a smirk inched across his face. "Well, played, White Void. I didn't think you had the stones."

"Neither did your mother last night, but I proved her wrong very quickly."

Once again, Hazama's smile faded.

Azrael looked on in gleeful amusement. "Oh, this is going to be a good show," he said, before laughing wildly. He considered the resulting headache to be very much worth it.

"We're live in twenty seconds," Tager said over the intercom. The seconds ticked by, and soon enough the signal was given, indicating that they were on the air.

Hakumen looked towards the cameras. "Welcome to another episode of _Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven._ Kokonoe is absent tonight, but I have volunteered to take her place. You all probably know who I am, given my past as one of the Six Heroes, but for those of you who may be out of the loop: I am Hakumen, and I'm here to rescue this terrible show from the trash heap for one night only, so you'd all best be paying attention, because this will never happen again."

He suddenly reached under Kokonoe's desk and pulled out an ice-cold six pack of beer before taking one and cracking it open.

"Kokonoe gave me free reign over who I could select as the guest tonight, so I picked the only person out of the entire _BBTAG_ cast who wasn't a complete idiot, besides myself of course." He quickly chugged the entire can of beer before crushing it and throwing it. The can soared through the air before smacking Hazama square in the head.

"Hey!" the NOL Captain protested.

"Speaking of idiots," Hakumen said. "Hazama, how does it feel being mid-tier?"

Hazama gaped at him while Azrael chuckled.

"Not so big now, are you?" Azrael mocked.

Hazama's shocked expression quickly gave way to a smirk. "I could ask you the same thing, White Void. If I remember, correctly, you were lower than _Azrael_ on the tier list! Now that's embarrassing."

Hakumen absentmindedly cracked open another beer before responding. "Hardly. I know you're an idiot, but surely you're smart enough to realize that I'm not putting in any effort?"

Hazama's smile faded. "…What?"

"Come on! I helped put the Black Beast down, and you think I'm going to give even a fraction of my potential in a stupid tournament? Most of the roster in that game isn't even out of high school! Hell, I'm pretty sure Ruby is only twelve!"

Hakumen's phone suddenly rang. He answered the call and put it on speaker.

"I'm fifteen, actually!" Ruby protested from the other side of the phone.

Hakumen shrugged. "Whatever you say, little boy," he said before ending the call, ignoring Ruby's shouts. He turned back to Hazama. "Anyway, all my position on the tier list does is embarrass all of you even further. I'm square in the middle, I have a touch-of-death combo, the fanbase still loves me, and I'm not even trying."

Hazama thought for a bit before grinning once more. "Heh. Nice try, Hakumen. But if that were true, then how do you explain Jubei? He actually _is_ trying, yet he's lower than you are on the tier list!"

The White Void chugged another beer, crushed the can, and threw it at Hazama once more. It hit him in the chest before landing on his keyboard. "Jubei has been spending too much time in bed with his wife and not enough time maintaining his skill. In addition, he's well-known for being lazy; why do you think he didn't join the roster until _Central Fiction_? And even then they had to lock him off as DLC and promise him a cut of the profits in order to get him to come on. If you want to embarrass me, you'll have to try harder than that. Of course, that would require you to actually be capable of saying something to rile me up, and as we all know, that's asking a bit too much from a lower life form such as you."

Hazama grit his teeth. Hakumen simply looked back towards the cameras.

"Anyway, let's get on with the show. Like I said, I've arranged an interview with the one person I could think of who wasn't a complete idiot. But before that, we've got a new segment lined up with one character you all like for some strange reason, and another character you all dislike for very obvious reasons. And if that sounds like it's stupid as hell, it's because it is, but I didn't get to make the segment, so bite me."

He cracked open his third beer.

"Anyway, let's get this idiocy over with. If you don't feel like losing a double-digit amount of IQ points then I highly suggest you use this time to take a bathroom break, but if you consider yourself a part of what's commonly known as the 'lowest common denominator', then feel free to enjoy this segment. It's Dating Advice, With Ruby and Kagura."

Hazama leaned over to whisper in Azrael's ear as a large screen descended from the middle of the stage. "Was Hakumen always this much of a douchebag?" he asked.

"Not in-game, but outside of work? Oh, definitely. He's damn good, and he knows it," Azrael whispered back.

The oversized screen suddenly turned on, showing Kagura and Ruby sitting behind a desk. Hazama furrowed his brow in confusion before whipping out his phone and typing a message to Kokonoe.

 _H: How the hell did you get Kagura and Ruby to agree to this?_

A few seconds later, her reply came in.

 _K: Not with money, that's for sure. Kagura agreed to help out on the condition that it count as some of the mandatory public service he has to do for his parole, and Ruby will do anything for a box of Famous Amos._

He nodded in understanding before turning his attention to the screen.

"Is this thing on?" Ruby asked in confusion.

Kagura sighed. "That's not something you're supposed to ask if there's a chance the audience can hear it…" he mumbled before perking up. "Hello, people, and welcome to this segment! Today, we're going to help you all with what's most important in life: getting laid!"

Ruby looked at him in confusion. "What my partner means is that we're going to help you gain some more romantic experience before finally settling down with your one true love!"

Kagura simply smirked. "Ah, kids. They're always so innocent. Unfortunately, they're also incredibly misguided."

"Hey!" Ruby said, offended.

He ignored her. "Anyway, I figured that we'll start out with something easy, so we'll go over the female perspective first. So, girls, you might be wondering: how, exactly, do I get a guy to notice me? Well, the answer is simple."

Ruby nodded. "All you have to do is drop some subtle hints! You know, little things like sending him text messages asking how he's doing, or trying to make brief physical contact! Oh, and don't forget to compliment him on his looks, men love that!"

Kagura stared at her like she was crazy. "…What? No, that doesn't work."

Ruby stared at him. "What are you talking about? That's exactly how it works! I should know, I've read Blake's romance novels!"

He laughed. "Yeah, sorry, real life isn't like a romance novel." He paused. "It's more like a filthy doujin. Girls, listen up, I'll only tell you this once: the way to a man's heart is through his pants. If you see a guy you like, all you need to do is approach him and offer him a roll in the hay. He'll be so happy with how forward you are that he'll ask you out on the spot."

The huntress-in-training looked horrified. "H-how can you say that?! That's not true love!"

Kagura shrugged. "Who gives a damn about true love? This is about getting your rocks off. That's something _anybody_ can understand."

She shook her head furiously. "No! That's all wrong!" She turned back to the camera. "Girls, don't listen to him. You should only have sex with someone you really love."

He produced a flask from out of nowhere and drank deeply from it before rebuffing her. "Sorry, kid, but life isn't like one of your fairy tales. The quick-and-dirty is always more preferable than the long-and-elegant. After all, how else are you supposed to sneak out when the beer goggles wear off?"

Ruby looked horrified.

Kagura continued. "Anyway, that's the female side covered. Now, for the male side, that's where things get complicated. Basically, what you need to do is compliment her on stuff you couldn't care less about. Things like her clothes, her shoes, her jewelry, and what she does for a living. You'll also have to buy her whatever stupid, girly drink she wants, and even then you're not guaranteed success. It helps if you don't treat charisma as your dump stat, of course."

Ruby stamped her foot. "You're making a mockery of romance!"

Kagura shrugged. "Hey, this is what's worked for me. Sixty percent of the time, it works a hundred percent of the time. If you just go to a bar every night, you're guaranteed to get someone eventually. Hell, I've had several dozen women this year alone."

That earned him another horrified look.

He thought for a bit. "Come to think of it, why are you here? I could have done this entire segment on my own. You're just killing my mojo."

"I-I'm here to provide a proper female perspective on this matter!"

Kagura blinked. "Who gives a crap about _that?_ Look, people: dating isn't hard, just go out there and don't be a complete misanthrope and you're guaranteed to get laid eventually."

"Romance is about more than getting laid!"

"Spoken like someone who's never had sex," Kagura said, as he looked her over. "…How old are you, again?"

"Sixteen in volume four. Why?"

He shrugged. "Eh. Good enough for me. What are you doing later?" He paused. "...Do you hear music?"

Before Ruby could respond, the wall behind them exploded. Yang came busting in with a yell, her hair already glowing brightly and 'I Burn' already playing in the background. The camera feed cut out just as she flipped Kagura over the table and put him in a rear naked choke.

The cameras focused back on Hakumen, who drank deeply of his beer before speaking. "Well, I thought it would be stupid, but I didn't think it would be completely and utterly _asinine_."

He crushed the beer can and threw it at Hazama. This time, Hazama had the good sense to dodge, but the beer can wasn't empty this time, and what amber liquid remained in the can splashed all over his suit.

Hakumen reached for yet another beer. "Anyway, now that the riff-raff has been properly dealt with, I can do what I promised and save this show from the garbage heap. So, let's all give it up for our next guest. It's the only person in the entire cast besides myself who's actually capable of critical thinking, it's the man who slays thots just by looking in their general direction, it's the only other person that can conceivably be considered an alpha male in the entire roster besides myself, it's the man at the very top of the tier list. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Yu Narukami."

Hazama was supposed to play some canned applause as the character in question appeared from behind the stage, but held it back out of contempt for Hakumen.

Yu took a seat opposite of the White Void and leaned back.

"Thank you for having me on your show," he stated.

"It was either you or an idiot, and I'm already dealing with one of those, as the lack of canned applause shows," Hakumen stated.

Hazama grit his teeth. _Oh, this asshole._

"Beer?" Hakumen asked.

Yu nodded, and caught the beverage as Hakumen threw it to him. He cracked it open and the two of them raised their cans to each other before taking a long, satisfying drink.

"So, what convinced you to apply for _Cross Tag Battle?_ " Hakumen asked.

"Well, I figured that it would probably be the last hurrah for me and my friends, since _Persona 5_ was on the way. That means there'll probably be a _Persona 5 Arena,_ and they'll be the focus of any future crossover titles." He shrugged. "Can't say I blame ArcSys – after all, you've got to stay up-to-date if you want anyone to care – but at the same time, it is a little disappointing. Once _P5A_ inevitably gets released, that's pretty much it for us, unless they decide to do a crossover between the different _Persona_ games or an anniversary edition or something."

"So, would you say you're nothing but a has-been?" Hazama asked.

Yu was unfazed. "Perhaps. But I'm not too torn up about it; for now, I'll just keep collecting my paycheck and enjoying the fame that being top-tier brings. When the time comes to retire, I'll do so happily, knowing that it's time for a new generation to rise up and take my place." His eyes narrowed. "No need for me to do something so vain as inhabit someone else's body because I can't bear the thought of fading away."

Hazama looked as if he had just been slapped as Azrael guffawed.

Hakumen grunted. "Ignore Hazama, he's an idiot. After all, it's only natural that a beta like him wouldn't know how to deal with two alphas."

"I'm sorry, but remind me again who got outsmarted by Ruby in _Cross Tag's_ story mode?" Hazama countered.

"Outsmarted? Hardly. If you'll recall, I avoided dealing with her that time. Any time I get to avoid interacting with lower life forms, I consider it a victory."

"But you still had to deal with Waldstein!"

"Do you mean to tell me that you would rather deal with Ruby than Waldstein? You must be even less developed mentally than I thought, Hazama. I weighed my options and took the lesser of two evils, not that I expect a moron like you to understand such complicated decision making."

Before Hazama could respond, he turned back to Yu. "What do you think of your time spent interacting with the rest of the cast?"

Yu shrugged. "Most of them are alright. Of course, I prefer the rest of my friends from Yasogami High, but the rest aren't so bad. Linne, Hyde, and Orie are quite nice."

"And Team RWBY?"

Yu's brow furrowed. "…Annoying, all of them. Ruby is much too hyper, Weiss is a stuck-up rich girl, Yang is too wild and boisterous, and Blake seems to have a chip on her shoulder in general. That being said, most of them are capable combatants. Weiss is the only exception." He turned towards the camera. "Do you all hear me? Weiss is worst girl. Don't ever forget that."

"Spoken like a true alpha male," Hakumen said, the slightest hint of approval in his voice.

"Hey, you can't be the only pillar of masculinity in the cast."

"No, I suppose I can't."

Hazama, meanwhile, was racking his brain for a quip he could make. For the first time in his life, he was coming up empty. Azrael saw him trying desperately to think of something and let out a sigh.

"Just give it a rest, Hazama," Azrael said, sympathy in his voice.

Hazama whipped around to face him. "Don't patronize me, Mad Dog. I _will_ come up with something snarky to say, and it _will_ embarrass those two on live TV!"

Azrael simply sighed.

Hakumen continued with the interview. "What do you think of the rest of the cast, in terms of fighting ability?"

Yu took a sip from his beer before answering. "Like I said, Team RWBY are all capable combatants, cognitive problems aside. Most of the _Blazblue_ cast are as well. The _Under-Night_ cast was a bit surprising, but most of them have proven to be excellent in combat."

"But none can come close to you."

"Absolutely not. It would take a hell of a nerf to unseat me from my position as top dog. That, or you actually taking the game seriously, but I somehow doubt that will happen."

"No need for a god to concern himself with the affairs of mere mortals."

"No, I suppose not. Anyway, if I had to list who I've been most impressed by… probably Hyde, Ruby, and Es. I've fought alongside everybody, but those three really stick out the most."

"You know, you and Hyde spend a lot of time together," Hazama pointed out with a sneer. "Is there something you're not telling us?"

Yu stared at him as if contemplating an insect. "There is no romantic attraction between us, if that's what you're asking. Not that I wouldn't go for it, but Hyde has his hands full already between Linne, Orie, and Vatista. I won't complicate things further. Besides, I have an entire school full of people lusting after me at home; no need to complicate things with a cross-dimensional homosexual relationship if I don't have to."

"Pay Hazama no mind. He has no experience with affairs of the heart," Hakumen said.

"Oh, and you do? You don't even have a body!" Hazama fired back.

"I have transcended beyond any needs of the flesh. I exist only to fight the strong and roast the haughty. I require nothing else, romance included. Besides, I saw plenty of action before bonding with my armor, or did you forget that I happen to be the Cybernetic Ghost of Jin's Past From the Future? My Tsubaki might be long dead, but she was the cause of many sleepless nights when she was still around."

Hazama's smile faltered as the uncomfortable image of Tsubaki and Hakumen doing the nasty filled his head.

Yu chuckled. "I think you've broken him, Hakumen."

"He was already broken to begin with. Perhaps not in the sense that you mean, but broken nonetheless."

He looked at the clock.

"Unfortunately, we are just about out of time, so I will have to end this interview."

Hazama snapped out of his stupor. "Now, hold on! I'm not done with you yet!"

"And I was not done with you," Yu said. "In fact, I requested that we end the interview early specifically so I could address you, Hazama."

Hazama looked confused. "What?"

Yu nodded. "Oh, yes. I wanted to tell the entire world just what kind of man you are." He turned to the cameras. "You see, Hazama is the worst kind of person: the kind who isn't willing to admit to his natural state as a beta. He masks his insecurities with snark and condescending humor in the hopes that it will prevent the rest of the world from seeing who he truly is: a nerd."

Hazama looked like he was about to be sick. Azrael looked on in sympathy.

Yu continued. "The sure sign of a beta is when they try too hard to be alpha. You'll notice that Hakumen and I don't have to try to be alphas, we simply are. Merely by existing, we exude an aura of pure testosterone. Weak-minded men won't go near us for fear of being reminded of just how inadequate they are; weak-minded women won't go near because they're afraid that the sheer masculinity we exude will get them pregnant, much like reading a chapter of _Fist of the North Star._ This is the kind of thing that a fake alpha could never hope to capture, and it only proves how sad and pathetic of a man you truly are, Hazama."

Hazama didn't respond, instead letting the words swirl around inside his head.

Yu smirked. "I believe we're done here. Hakumen, if you'd be so kind."

The White Void nodded before turning back to the cameras. "Thank you all for tuning in to this episode of _Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven._ Unfortunately, this will be the last time I host the show. Tune in next time for another sixty minutes of garbage and disappointment, courtesy of the Grimalkin."

With that, Tager cut the feed. Everyone began to file out of the room, except for Hazama, who simply stayed rooted to the spot he had been standing. Nobody paid him any mind as they turned off all the electronics, leaving him to stew in his own self-loathing in total darkness.

* * *

Sector Seven From Ten to Eleven _is brought to you by_ Hoenn: _visit today for free trumpet and swimming lessons._

* * *

Kokonoe paused her game of _Tales of Vesperia_ as an alarm on her phone went off. She reached for it and typed out a message.

 _K: So how did it go?_

 _H: Spectacularly. We might have broken him._

She let out a cackle.

 _K: Perfect. That'll be sure to take him down a peg or two._

 _H: I question your logic of waiting until now to strike back against him._

 _K: Hey, if someone tries to prank me, I make sure to prank them even harder. Besides, he'd been getting a bit too uppity recently. Needed someone to rein him in, and couldn't think of anyone better than you._

 _K: There is one thing that's bothering me, though. Why'd you agree to this so easily?_

 _H: I was bored. Don't expect me to do this again._

 _K: Fair enough._

Kokonoe made a mental note to get the uncut recording of the show and catalog it for future use as she set her phone to the side. She wanted to really savor the raw footage of Hazama's embarrassment. She let out one final evil laugh before going back to her game.


End file.
